


Kill Us While We're Young

by somethingfullofangst (sram)



Category: Monsta X (Band)
Genre: Bottom Lim Changkyun |I.M, Friends to Lovers, Idiots in Love, Junk, Lovers to Friends, M/M, Roommates, back to the kinks, changki, no kink involved, older Kihyun, real gay relationships have kinks, real love, religious backstory, short but sweet, sorry for the religion so much religion
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-07-25
Updated: 2018-07-25
Packaged: 2019-06-16 01:31:10
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 4,512
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15426084
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sram/pseuds/somethingfullofangst
Summary: And this is still the story of a young love which ended as fast as it began. Not because of their ages or their experiences in the world.But because when the first storm rolled into their ocean-view house and the low-hanging clouds chased the sun away, they couldn't support the weight of one another and inevitably collapsed when the winds were at their peak.What is that nice latin phrase that says "If you want to be loved, love"That would really come in handy.****CHANGKI.





	1. Chapter 1

1\. We'll Never Be The Same

The problem with young love is that it never lasts. Not because the two involved are young and naive and have no idea about what they want in life. But because in order for a relationship to last it has to mature. The age of the parties involved should not matter if the two of them are the pillars that hold each other upright when even the strongest storm strikes. 

So when we're talking about young love, we aren't talking about high schoolers. 

We're talking about full-grown twenty-two-year-old adults Changkyun Lim and his boyfriend of five months Kihyun Yoo. Like all stupid people their age trying to save money, they decided to move in together. And at first it worked out for both of them because there was no attraction involved and every day was the sun without rain. But something about the way Kihyun always gazed into Changkyun's soft eyes and rubbed his thumb over Changkyun's exposed belly button while they were supposed to be paying attention to that Redbox movie they rented two days ago- 

They were Netflix and chilling and they were roommates for goodness sake! 

It happened too many times for them to consider themselves normal roommates. And before long Changkyun abandoned his own bed to spend every single night curled up in Kihyun’s warm scent. And being rational adults with their heads screwed on all types of wrong, they decided it would be a good idea to put a label on what they were. 

“You're mine,” Kihyun told him as he hovered over him and stared down into his eyes so intense it made all the hairs on the back of his neck stand to salute. There was nothing going on particularly exciting between the two of them, Changkyun was playing a game on his phone and Kihyun’s hair was still wet from his shower when he pinned his flatmate down into the cushions of the couch they'd finally managed to pay off after working all those extra hours for three months straight. 

Changkyun couldn't hold in his scoff. “Excuse me I'm not an object for you to own. Like okay we fucked once or twice-”

“Nine times.” Kihyun corrected, sliding his gaze over exposed collarbones where fresh hickeys still graced Changkyun's tan skin. “We don't have to pretend not to be attracted to each other anymore. You're out of breath just from seeing me over you like this. Let's just be honest, there was more emotion involved than we were both prepared to deal with the first time. But we're a month in and we can't stop touching each other.”

And Changkyun wondered for a really long time if he was seriously going to commit to something as possessive and vague as being told “you're mine” and whether he would also consider Kihyun to be his. He'd never been good with words but he knew for a fact his body was so much more honest and would convey every feeling when they touched. 

It's just that the touch wasn't always enough. Like all relationships, they suffered from the lack of communication. Kihyun always looked sad whenever he was introduced as a roommate or a friend, and he would laugh fakely when they got home and say it was alright just like that. Changkyun has never been good with words, but he knew when the other man lied and how he behaved when he did. 

Five months into their relationship they no longer share a bed. They don't cuddle on the couch and watch movies they'd go out of their way to acquire. Kihyun no longer hovered over him after he'd finished with a shower, or grazed his knuckles along Changkyun's soft pudgy tummy. They no longer looked each other in the eyes. There had been no hickeys to cover before his shift at work in over two weeks. 

Because like all young relationships they fought. And this time it was bad. 

“My…my mom-” Kihyun stutters and his hands fly up to cover his temples like he's contemplating whether or not he should massage or squeeze them until he loses consciousness. “-You tried to lie to my own mother about my relationship status, why? Unlike you, everyone that knows me knows how I feel about you.”

Changkyun is pacing the floor; hands are trembling and tears staining his cheeks. It's true that for once he has fucked up eternally. He's not used to being in the hot seat when it comes down to meeting the in-laws. When Kihyun’s mother turned her crooked glare in his direction he panicked. “No. We aren't. Haha, why would we be… Nonono of course we don't.. we’re not doing any of that in this house. We're not even like that. No ma'am. We're just roommates.” 

Changkyun panicked and that was entirely natural. If anyone randomly asks if you use protection when you're getting it on at night with your roommate of five months you'd panic too. Especially if that someone is his mother. 

Changkyun freaks out a lot. It isn't the first time and it won't be the last. Kihyun is his sweet gentle attentive roommate he has spent five months sharing a bed with, and nothing should've been enough to make him crack like this. That should be the obvious indication that Kihyun rarely yells at him. 

“I'm sorry okay.” Changkyun sniffles and attempts to wrap this man he thinks is the best human in the world in a hug, but Kihyun puts his hands on each side of Changkyun and holds the both of them at arm's length. 

“We will never live through another moment like this, so are you sure all you want to say is sorry? Is that the last thing you want to say?” gazing into his eyes affectionately. It hurts Kihyun too, having to yell and argue with the fluffy comfortable man he's committing his very soul to. But it's long overdue for them to be having this talk, so when he cups Changkyun's squishy cheeks in his hands and he says to him “If we are only roommates then when I walk out this door am I free to be with whoever I want until I return here to you? Is that what you want?” 

Changkyun shakes his head; salty tears and snot slip into his mouth when he mumbles “No.” 

“Tell me that. Tell me what you feel about me right now.” Kihyun demands without hiding any of his emotions. He's already hurt by blatantly being denied by his boyfriend in front of his parents, but if Changkyun fails to admit his feelings when it's just the two of them that'll devastate him. “Don't think about it baby, don't think.” Kihyun coos, wipes his hands over Changkyun's cheeks to dry the mess of tears. “It's taking you too long. That's scaring me just like it's scaring you.” 

“But you… I don't think you know anything about me at this point!” Changkyun pushes Kihyun’s hands away and reels to avoid being trapped in the embrace. And Kihyun reacts in just the right way. His face shatters. His eyes lose their hopeful glint, his jaw clenched and his fingers curled into his palm. 

And this is still the story of a young love which ended as fast as it began. Not because of their ages or their experiences in the world. 

But because when the first storm rolled into their ocean-view house and the melancholic clouds chased the sun away, they couldn't support the weight of one another and inevitably collapsed when the winds were at their peak.

And then one day, nothing is how it should be and Kihyun is bringing a friend home way after the acceptable time to be bringing a friend home. In their house. In their home.


	2. US.2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "later that night  
> i held an atlas in my lap  
> ran my fingers across the whole world  
> and whispered  
> where does it hurt?
> 
> it answered  
> everywhere  
> everywhere  
> everywhere.."  
> -WARSAN SHIRE.

How is it possible that every single human alive places the heavy burden of their happiness or sadness on the shoulders of other similar humans? If it’s a lover, a friend, or a family member; they are all burdened with making sure the lives of their loved ones are smooth and painless and will sometimes go out of their way to ensure the happiness of the other party. 

Well, that is how it should be at least. Not everyone has gentle friends and family members with time on their hands and a heart in their chests. A lot of the time it’s just that no one cares enough to stop and ask; “What’s wrong?”

Changkyun looks up from his bowl of untouched tonkatsu. The noodles are soggy and lukewarm and only one piece of the pork has teeth imprints from where he attempted to bite it but realized his throat was too swollen from all the crying to actually swallow anything. 

He wipes his hands over his silky cheeks; smooth and slick from all the tears he couldn’t hold in when he showed up at his best friend’s house right as they were cleaning up after dinner. 

It’s been so long since he’s had a real home-cooked meal that his stomach should be happy and eagerly waiting to enjoy the food in front of him. Kihyun would attempt to prepare all of their meals every night, and Changkyun would wait up as late as it took to eat with his boy---roommate.

The only signal flashing in his brain is not how his insides are trying to claw their way out, but the fact that an unfamiliar head of blonde hair entered the same room as his boy---his roommate, and then closed the door behind them. He only sat outside the room for twenty minutes trying to listen in on what they were doing in there--it was utter silence

It’s true he’s been sobbing all over Hoseok’s family’s lace table cloth for the last half hour. The entire family has already finished their meal, and all except for Hoseok has left the dining room to prepare to sleep for the night. 

On the one hand, they were nice enough to let him come into their house soaking wet from crying and from getting caught in the late August rain showers, and no one stopped to ask him why. And on the other hand, he’s been dripping tears and snot into the already salty tonkatsu for over thirty minutes and Hoseok has been so consumed to ask, occupied with a game on his Nintendo Switch that is so intense that he keeps accidentally kicking Changkyun’s kneecaps under the table when he gets frustrated.

Finally, Hoseok lifts his head to make eye contact and his wet blond hair bounces when he does. Frame his face just the right way, looks natural and harmless. Until he says to Changkyun with the straightest face ever, “How can you be upset with him? You won’t even call him your boyfriend. You deserve every second of this torture.”

“Wha… what are you talking about?” Changkyun croaks out, since he hasn’t spoken to any of his friends since their falling out a few days prior so none of them should know about his predicament. But then it dawns on him that Hoseok is one of their mutual friends, and it makes perfect sense that Kihyun would confide in him since Kihyun’s known him much longer than Changkyunhas. “I know I’m a mess. Don’t rub it in.”

 

“Yeah. You’re Kihyun’s mess. Which is exactly why you need to go back to him and stop ruining our good tablecloths with your drippings.” Hoseok snaps, returns to playing his video games and then he declares. “If you wanna spend the night here, you gotta beat me in Pokken!”

Changkyun limply accepts the red controller from Hoseok. Touches the hot sweaty object to his chin and sighs. “Kihyun’s really good at Pokken.” then like the mess he is, he feels the tears welling up in his eyes and can’t resist the urge to let it all fall out. “His favorite is Lucar-”

“Oh my god I’m calling him. He needs to come get you. Now.” Hoseok scrambles out of his chair and runs out of the dining room. He freezes in the doorway before returning, snatches the little red controller from his friend, and then leaves the room in a hurry. 

Changkyun sits there for awhile staring at his soggy noodles and pork slices. This is what his life has come to. He picks up the metal chopsticks off the table and shovels a great deal of it into his mouth, there is a lot of struggle as the noodles continue to slip off the ends of the chopsticks but he doesn't give up until his mouth is full. He chews for ages and then swallows when the mushy noodles lose all of their flavor and he can’t stand swishing them around any longer. 

The world sure does lose its flavor when you get to taste happiness once.

 

******

 

THE THING IS, when you live with your ex boyfriend it is considerably harder to get rid of things that remind you of him; and to get rid of things to belong to him. Kihyun feels this pain on a early Monday morning.

The very air that you breathe tastes like a sweaty kiss on a summer morning. Or wet skin after a midnight shower, pressing your lips to his neck and gliding your tongue down his spine, enjoying the feeling of chill-bumps appearing on his skin beneath your fingers as you travel lower and lower. 

Of grabbing the soft velvety skin of his hips and pulling him so close there’s no such thing as space between you. Holding him there, easing his head closer to the pillow to muffle the noises he is making. Again. And again. This time when you’re looking him in the eyes and his sweaty bangs are glued to his skin and you are both panting, lost in the moment of feeling too much and not feeling enough.

There are more memories that don’t always involve the taste of his salty tan skin. There are things like the charger he’s left in your room, splitting around the connecter piece and looking genuinely like a fire hazard, the one you told him to throw out a long time ago but it was a gift from his friend that is studying in Germany right now so he can’t part with it.

Or the pair of socks that he kicked off his feet lazily the last time he slept in the bed next to you--he never sleeps in socks. There are a whopping twenty pairs under your bed that you kicked under there to get them out of your sight. 

There are the bad things too. Maybe they aren’t things that every couple has to experience, but for Kihyun there are so many memories of being introduced as a friend to other friends, or as a roommate to a distant relative. Times when he showed up to pick Changkyun up after his late shift and Changkyun refused to hug him in front of coworkers and colleagues who have faces and names too hard to remember. 

But those days where Changkyun’s smile is so bright that it’s blinding, days when he hangs his head and stuffs his hands into his pockets and lets out that small giggle that shows how affected he is by the situation. The memories of eating dinner together every night, or renting movies they never planned to watch until they’d met each other, because Changkyun’s a zombie nerd and Kihyun prefers documentaries and historical films.

Memories of sharing those big heavy production-value headphones and passing them back and forth, saying: “This is my favorite song, and you are my favorite person, so please listen to it. Please like it.”

Things like that tend to outweigh all of the bad negative stuff that’s screaming at Kihyun to leave. To go and not look back. Because he knows Changkyun has spent the better half of those five months trying to convince himself that they were just fuck-buddies that just-so-happen to live together. And that really hurts.

Because for Kihyun, that short energetic man is the sun he orbits around. Everything in his room is Changkyun’s, his very existence is mixed in with Changkyun. His source of light; his warmth. Can we live without the sun? Kihyun’s no rocket scientist, but he’s going to go with no as his final answer. Even though for Changkyun he’s just been a convenient consistent lay.

That’s what makes it so hard. When he drops that duffel bag full of Changkyun’s things onto Changkyun’s bed and it’s so much heavier than he thought it was, and it’s even harder to let it go like he’s in a cartoon and it’s been glued to his fingers. He sighs loudly, but there’s no one there to hear him. Changkyun is never really there anymore as far as he can tell. Probably out there stealing the souls from some other poor men.

He wavers in the living room. The coffee table is covered in notebooks and scribbles from when Changkyun got so bored that paper was the only thing he didn't draw on. Moments of sitting there with Changkyun’s back pressed into his chest cross his mind, their legs intertwined and their fingers drifting away from their work to touch each other sensually.

Maybe it really was always just about the sex. After all, Kihyun is filled to the brim with the sound of his name rolling off a moist pink tongue that has touched so many different parts of him. In the end, even staring at the couch they both worked so hard to pay off reminds him of Changkyun pressing him into it and saying, “Let’s go for a ride.”

And as he’s standing there gazing at the coffee table, he realizes the warmth that fills his body isn’t his own anymore. When he turns around, Changkyun is standing behind him with half-lidded sleep-crusted eyes gazing at the couch as well. Kihyun gasps in shock, grabbing at where it feels like his heart is about to jump straight out his chest in some weird freak accident. “Where were you?”

“I slept in the tub.” Changkyun mumbles, and rubs his eyes with the backs of his sleeved-hands. He’s trying to stifle a yawn when he says to Kihyun, “Were you thinking about the couch? And all the fun things we did on it when we were one-hundred-percent sure that it belonged to us?”

Kihyun nods slightly, confused about the direction of the conversation but is so delighted that Changkyun is speaking to him again that he just doesn’t care what they’re talking about.

Changkyun looks him in the eyes. Lifts one finger lazily and pokes him n the chest with it. “We can still do those fun things on the couch, you know?” he says with a straight face, though his lip quivers and it’s obvious he isn’t sure about what he’s saying. “We should’ve never let it get so deep anyway. It could’ve been fun for a long time-”

Kihyun grabs the finger that is prodding his chest and lifts it to his mouth to kiss it. His heart already hurts after five months of just having fun, so why does he continue letting Changkyun dig into it like that? 

He maintains the eye contact the entire time he’s kissing all of the fingers of Changkyun’s right hand, the hand that he’s laced with his own fingers while he bit into the soft skin of a neck or a shoulder. He drops the hand as quickly as he’s grabbed it, and Changkyun lets it sink like a bullet until it’s dangling at his side again. 

They stand there. Watching each other. Waiting. These next few minutes could mean one of them will have to move, if it comes to that Kihyun is more than ready to leave, because every room is full of memories he doesn’t want to create or ruin with anyone else.

And then Kihyun speaks. His voice doesn’t break and he’s so proud of what he’s about to say, it’s not like he didn’t rehearse it several times in the mirror in preparation for the day that they finally talk about the things that’s keeping them up at night. “Is that what you want? Is it really?”

Changkyun nods eagerly, and then crashes his lips into Kihyun’s without giving any apparent thought into it, and Kihyun doesn’t fight it. They move to their favorite memory-filled couch like they’ve rehearsed this moment together. Changkyun straddles him the second Kihyun sits down, with both legs pressed into the cushions near his sides. Holds Kihyun’s tongue in his mouth and moans; it is one of the most beautiful sounds Kihyun’s ever heard Changkyun make before. And he needs more of it. Right now. 

Sinks his fingers into the folds and fabric of Changkyun’s sweater and tugs on it, it’s tucked into Changkyun’s jeans, and Kihyun’s never seen Changkyun sleep in jeans so it scares him. He’s also never seen Changkyun sleep in a tub, and holy shit the concern for this boy is about to eat his soul alive. He thought he’d been behaving weirdly since their not-breakup breakup. But apparently Changkyun’s put his sanity in a bottle and sailed it off to sea.

And there on that fake-suede beige couch they spent so much money on, in that moment their lips are connected they are drinking up each others happiness like the leeches we all are deep down inside. Because that’s what we’ve always done as a species. We find ways to hurt each other even while we’re just caressing soft skin under our palms.

It’s just too bad for them. 

“Exactly what you want?” Kihyun pulls away panting, fighting with his inner demons about what he’s going to say next because they are so close and he hasn’t been this close with anyone in weeks. Changkyun doesn’t even deserve the chance to nod this time, because if he does KIhyun’s going to melt and give him whatever he wants and they’re going to be at square one all over again. And this excruciating pain that’s been keeping him wide awake for these last few months is going to kill him if he lets it keep going.

“It’s not what I want anymore. And you know that. So please.” Kihyun buries his face into Changkyun’s shoulder, inhales the scent of their laundry detergent that only smells like heaven on Changkyun one last time for the sake of calming his brain down long enough to finish his sentence. “Just please stop. It hurts.” Kihyun mumbles into the fabric afraid of lifting his head and seeing what mess he’s creating

If Changkyun shaking over him like a leaf in a storm in response is any indication...

Is it laughter? Is it?

Should he convince himself that it is? Because if he looks now and Changkyun is crying it’s going to make his stomach sick. Something awful, like riding four rollercoasters in a row.

Changkyun pushes them apart so KIhyun can look at him. So he can see the warm tears streaming down his face and getting caught in Kihyun’s hair. “Why does it hurt?” Changkyun croaks, his entire body shaking from the intensity of his sobs mixed with coughs. The feeling of such a question is hard to describe with complex words. Heart wrenching? Beautiful? 

Kihyun’s brows furrow. His chin quivers and his hands are holding that loose fabric like it’s something he’ll never get back if he lets it go, his knuckles have gone cold from the effort. “Oh, baby.” Kihyun hurts more when he sees this absolutely destroyed expression on Changkyun’s face than the breaking up could ever make him feel. “Oh Changkyun please. Please don’t cry like this right now. You already know what I felt about this.”

“I know what you felt.” Changkyun breathes out, faint and above a whisper. “But Kihyun, what did I feel? Did you ever wanna know why I’m so scared of committing to you, or were you going to keep forcing me into it and trying to figure out why the pieces didn’t fit?”

Kihyun freezes. Changkyun is so beautiful and put together even when he’s a wreck. Of course this is only the calm before the storm, it’s supposed to get better before it gets worse. And depending on how this question is answered, maybe the direction of the winds can be changed?

But being mesmerized by the glistening tears steals his breath long enough for Changkyun to scramble off of him onto his feet. Kihyun’s still clutching the sweater, so he doesn’t make it far enough to escape the situation. But it’s the kind effort of someone that has said more than what they want to say, or more than what should be allowed. 

“You’re right. It was always about me, just wanting to show you how I felt and I know it came off too strong at times. But I’m here now. I’m listening now. Just tell me…..” Kihyun looks up at him expectantly, refusing to let him run from this conversation right when they’re so close no matter how much he struggles. Changkyun tugs and yanks but KIhyun just pulls that sweater closer and closer until his arms are locked around Changkyun’s waist and there’s no such thing as an escape, even if he has to be the anchor that tries to calm the waves of the sea.

“Where does it hurt?” Kihyun whispers. Runs his fingers along the parts of Changkyun’s back that has become exposed, the more he fought the more his shirt lifted up. The parts of skin that he’s kissed time and time again, and if he is lucky he’ll get to kiss many more. 

“Everywhere.” Changkyun cries with his head thrown back so he can avoid eye contact, just this once to make it easier for what he’s about to say. “I love you so fucking much. It all hurts. It’s killing me.” Changkyun takes a quick breath but keeps going before Kihyun can react with glee at his broken confession. 

“But my parents. They aren’t like your parents. They aren’t going to meet you and want us to be happy together. Do you know how many years I’ve lived with this pain? My father is a pastor in a Christian church. My own mother made me eat soap when I told her I might like men--I just love you. I want this. Even if this is wrong.”

Even though the second someone that knows his family sees him romantically involved with Kihyun, he'll go back to being a loveless child. An orphan carrying the surname of a group of monsters that would rather see him burn than to see him kiss a man on the lips.

The part of him that he keeps locked up. The part that has been loved before, and was left to wander the streets until he returned home a saved man.

A sinner. A filthy sinner.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> yes I did write Kihyun's entire part based off a poem alright don't judge me i will fight.  
> I was also very scared of posting this chapter because I feel it is not what anybody wants to read bc it's unnecessarily dramatic??  
> and it's not spectacularly emotional, while the dialogue is bland but lol isn't it always? 
> 
> and this is probably not the direction anyone expects coming from chapter numero uno. but I decided to post it anyway because I wrote it from that hole in my chest where I dug my own heart out to produce this. 
> 
> as always it's unedited! but I will go through and fix it as I find things out of place!


End file.
